An old journal entry....

I don't know why I think about myself the way I do. Why do i self depreciate so much? What has caused me to have the self hate attitude that I have? Why cant i feel like I'm a good enough person? What is a good enough person? I feel like I'm constantly battling this self hate. I don't WANT to feel this way. Who would? In my life, I could place the blame on a few different people, but as I think of the reasons this blame is placed, I start to think,"well, if I was good enough, it wouldn't have happened." There is no one to blame but myself. If I could possibly make myself worth what i believe I should be worth, maybe I could feel decent. I have no self esteem. I miss my teenage days when I didn't care! I never thought I was fat, skinny, hot, ugly...I didn't care! I was me, and that's what mattered! I knew I wasn't special then, nothing spectacular, but i didn't care! I also didn't realize that maybe I was a little bit pretty, skinny, special... But i didn't CARE! I miss that! I try to act now like I don't care. Its a hard thing to accomplish and anyone who knows me, sees right through it. I'm tired of being the way I am emotionally and physically. I feel stuck. I feel like there is nothing I can do to change either thing. If i were to lose weight, it wouldn't matter. Inevitably, there would still be something wrong with me. I have come to the point that I have convinced myself that I am nothing. If i were skinny, I would still have the same face. So, whats the point? I would still have the marks of having children on my body. Ive convinced myself that nothing I do will change anything. The way I feel is permanent. I'm so tired of people saying things to try to make me feel better. "you're not fat!!"OK so if I'm not fat, then why is someone the same size as me considered fat?"you're not ugly" ok whatever. then why haven't i ever been told I'm pretty? in a sincere way? the only people i have heard "you're so hot" from are people who want to SLEEP with me. but that's another issue. I'm convinced anyone who ever wanted to, just thought i was easy. Though, because of the self esteem issue, I am definitely not easy. Anyone who doesn't understand, should live a day in my shoes. Then maybe you'll get it. I just don't want to be told things that aren't true! I want a change. I want a good change. I don't know. I guess I should just get use to the way i am.