The happenings lately

So, we had a birthday, found out about Lily's eye and now everything is relatively quiet. We did end up going to another ophthalmologist though. Who said the same thing the first one said but in more detail. Basically Lily wasn't born with enough optic nerve. So, the prognosis is the same. No cure, nothing to be done. Also, she will be fine with sports, driving etc. She has almost perfect vision in her right eye.

Both kids are sick right now. Usually I expect when the weather gets like this, Cain will get respiratory infections etc. Well, he and Lil both do and it's been a week so I'm taking them to the doctor. I expect to be told there is nothing that can be done blah blah blah... But at least I took them!

I just finished fall term and am now on winter break.I haven't gotten my final grades yet but I'm sure I did well. This year will be the 1st year I really have to figure out what to do about Christmas... Usually we would go to Chris' parents on Christmas day and my parents on Christmas eve. With a stop to Gram Calla's at some point in the middle. This year, my parents moved to Shady Cove and will be coming back up this week, and my brother Lee and his daughter will be her for a week and a half leaving right after Christmas. So, obviously I should take the kiddos to Shana's (who lives in my parents house now)to visit. Then Chris will have to figure out when to take the kids to his parents and also run to Gram Calla's to visit with her. I really look forward to anytime I get to spend with Lee though so I want to spend as much time with him as possible. Running around on the holidays is tiring and Chris and I had it figured out, then now... Well now it's just coordinating who gets the kids when and all that. Ugh... Maybe I'll stay home and eat pie.

Next term I have a full course load. I'm only going 2 days a week but it'll be intense. I'm glad that I have people in my life that support me and consistency of friends who have always been here. Without them, it would be so much harder. It's hard to grow up, but surprisingly, we all have. At least for the most part. It feels good to take care of the responsibilities I have taken on. I enjoy my children and the people who love me! I enjoy doing things for them. So, thanks to the wonderful people in my life! They know who they are! I am also glad I gave love a chance, I may not be totally there again(lord knows if I will ever be) but I am glad that I have what I do. I won't ever have what I did with Chris again but the feeling of being loved can't be compared to anything else and I'm hoping to let it happen eventually.

Ramble ramble ramble ok I am done :)

Cain's Birthday

We were blind

Can you imagine what a surprise and shock it is to find out your 5 yr old is almost completely blind in one eye? And has been for basically the past 3 yrs?? I couldn't either until we went to Lily's ophthalmologist last week.

Lily has what is called optic nerve hypoplasia and strabismus. We knew something was wrong with her optic nerve in her left eye when she was 2. What we didn't know was that it was what it is. I took her to the ophthalmologist last week and the nurse doing the pre exam did a few tests. When he was covering her right eye and asking her how many fingers he had up and she didn't answer... Then when he asked her to grab his finger while holding it just slightly in her peripheral vision and she couldn't... It was very obvious... Then the doctor did his exam. He shined a light directly in her right eye and held the magnifier up to it to look at the inside of her eye and she didn't like it. She said "It's too close! That's too bright!" He did the same to her left... She didn't budge. Didn't move or complain.

The thing is, unless you KNOW she can't see, which we didn't know, you CAN'T tell. We never noticed anything. Never realized she was turning her head slightly to the right while coloring or looking at books. We never thought that anything was wrong because she didn't act like she couldn't see. She has adapted to using her right eye. She draws wonderfully. Writes her name perfectly... Now that we know, as we watch her we notice her turning her head while concentrating on a drawing. That's the only sign.She doesn't act like anything is wrong because to her, nothing is. It's what she knows. She doesn't know that it should be any different.

She is getting glasses next week. I was told they're mostly for protection of her right eye. If she were to injure her right eye, while it was healing she wouldn't be able to see at all. Or if she had a serious injury to her right eye... You catch my drift... I should have asked more questions. I should have taken her in sooner. I feel guilty that I didn't know. I feel bad that I didn't get more information to share with Chris. It doesn't matter now though because there is no treatment or cure. Sometimes glasses help when kids get older, sometimes they don't. Right now I'm just thinking how it's going to affect her. Will she be able to play sports if she wants to? Will her learning be delayed? Will she even be allowed to drive? So far she is only struggling slightly learning her letters and numbers, but she does learn.

I guess all I can do now is educate myself and find out what she needs, if she needs help or anything in school. I'm posting a link for information on ONH. I can't explain the diagnosis the way this site did.I'll post more as I learn more.

http://www.blindbabies.org/factsheet_onh.htm

Distress and Relief (If I Could Breathe for Him)

This is a paper I had to write for Writing 115 during summer term. We were instructed to write about an event in our life. I can't remember the exact assignment but I chose to write about Cain's birth.I left out the moments before the birth. I only wrote about his birth and the week after. So, here it is.

In the moments after my son Cain was born I knew something wasn’t right. When they laid him on my chest and rubbed him clean he wasn’t acting like a normal baby would. There was no squealing. His skin was an abnormal purple. The nurse took him off me and did the standard evaluations they do when infants are born. He just lay there limp, still not squealing, still not the pink flush of a normal newborn. The nurse pulled his leg away from his body and he jerked it back right away. This reaction seemed to concern her. She started to rub him and to give him a bath. Then the nurse laid him back on my bare chest and told me that sometimes being with mom helps. “Helps what?” I was wondering. I knew at that point something really wasn’t right. He was working too hard to breathe.

When the Neonatal Intensive Care nurse came, he took one look at Cain and told me he was taking him to the NICU. He would be under observation, but wouldn’t be admitted until the doctor saw him. I was stuck in a room with nurses I didn’t know, in a situation I couldn’t control. My husband followed Cain to the NICU and was there when he was admitted. The diagnosis was a lung condition called premature lung disorder, which is a full term baby who has under developed lungs and cannot dispel the fluid from them.

When I was wheeled into Cain’s tiny but private room in the NICU, my husband sat there, face full of tears rocking what looked like a tiny emphysema patient. The tube forcing air into my son’s lungs through his nose was tiny; a smaller version of some older person’s oxygen tube. There was a board strapped to his arm to keep his arm straight so the IV would stay in. There were wires and tubes that seemed so complicated and adult. It was far too adult for such a new life, too serious for such a tiny baby. As my distraught husband sat there rocking this little android type person, he tried to explain to me what the nurses and doctors had told him through his sobs. I didn’t want to hear any of it. I just wanted my baby to breathe. I would have given anything for him to breathe. I would breathe for him if I could.

Every day we spent waiting for improvement, sleeping at night in hard hospital recliners shoved in the corner of that tiny room, meeting new nurses on new shifts till we knew each one by their first name. Everyday my husband told me he just wanted to take him home. Every day I told him we had to wait, and that only time would help Cain. By the third day finally, Cain was off the forced air and on normal nasal prongs that didn’t force him to breathe, but provided a higher level of oxygen than normal room air. By the fifth day he was off the prongs. We were ready to take him and leave. On that fifth day, they started the process of “graduating” Cain from the NICU. Running tests and making sure I knew how to install a car seat as well as evaluating his ability to breathe while sitting up. He passed these tests. With every new improvement it almost became harder to wait to take him home. We had to fight our urges to pack up his stuff and just walk out that security monitored door. Our hearts were ready to be done with aching. The ache became less on that sixth day when the doctor came in the room and told us there was no reason why he shouldn’t be able to go home the next day. It seemed in that moment, that all the terrible experiences faded away. All I could think about was taking him home even more than I had in the days before. That sixth day was the breaking point in my emotions, but in a good way. Things were truly o.k. The sadness was gone. The ache had subsided. All I felt was a terrific anxiety. Working through what I had been through with this tiny little being that looked at me with all the love in the world had made me realize how much I needed and wanted him. Going through this hard time made all my doubts I felt while pregnant of wanting this little “parasite” completely vanish. It was as if I had never had those doubts to begin with.

On the seventh day, after they took his “newborn” pictures in his Winnie the Pooh overalls and the red mark he had on his forehead from the gadgets he had strapped to his head, I signed the discharge papers I had been waiting to sign for what seemed a lifetime. I put his tiny little body in what seemed an oversized car seat, handed over my NICU parent pass card, and walked out the doors and didn’t look back.

It's always a night thing.

I don't really know how this blog thing is suppose to go. Do you blog everyday? Do you when something exciting happens? Well, I think I'll do it whenever I feel like it. lol

I get bored at night. The kids are either in bed, hanging out with Chris or winding down watching cartoons. So, I sit at my computer bored. I think I need a hobby. Or friends. One of the 2.

Today I went pseudo Christmas shopping. I had barely $40. Wal-mart seems to be the best place to go for gifts when you're broke like me. I got my nephew an RC car for $10! I also got a makeup brush set and a gift for the neighbor kids bday. I spent $28. I rock. I almost think I want to get a part time job. Or at least try. I have done a little but of applying and not gotten anything a few months ago. Maybe now I can get something. I can really only work certain days and certain hours though and that seems to not be what employers are looking for. I am really tired of being broke. I do get student financial aid money but that pays the rent and bills to live, with nothing left. I usually have about $600 to last me for 3 months that is just for things like gas, stuff for the kids, and spending money. I need to figure out how to make it last longer. I'm thankful I get the money to live on. I don't know where I'd be if I didn't.

I'm thinking next term, after all the holidays are over, I'll use part of my money to buy some sort of exercise equipment. I really want a Gazelle. You get on one of those for 15min and about fall over! You don't feel like you're working at all while you're on it though! I want to get back in some kind of shape but I have a lot of excuses right now not to. It's too cold and rainy to walk or jog. I don't have money for any fitness dvds or programs. Maybe if i get something that I can do in the house it will make things easier. I need to do something to make myself feel better both physically and emotionally. Not to mention, give me energy. That's a whole different rant though, and not one for tonight.

What a week(end)

I know that technically the week just started, but the last part of last week and the beginning of this week has been a bit odd for me. So, really just the weekend was odd but it has extended til today.

Let me start by saying, my daughter NEVER gets sick. EVER. So, needless to say when she started throwing up Thursday night it was a bit scary. It was so bad I had to have Chris take her to the ER. She was throwing up every 10 or 15 minutes and couldn't get to sleep. Ok, so he took her and they made sure she didn't have a fever, which she didn't, and gave her some anti-nausea meds so she could get some sleep. Finally, at 6am with Chris sleeping in her bed, she fell back asleep. Friday miraculously, she was perfectly fine! I kept her from school and down on the couch Friday and Saturday. This was the most difficult thing I have had to do. Keep a perfectly fine 5 yr old ACTIVE girl laying on the couch is HARD. I didn't want to risk anything though. So all weekend she was fine. Sunday she even played with the neighbor kids. She went to school Monday and was fine then too. Then suddenly last night at 130am, she came in my room tried to say something, then threw up on my floor and wall. Almost on me. NOT fun. She has also pooed(ew) in her pants. So, in the tub she went. Where she played in the water like normal. She was COMPLETELY fine! Said she felt fine. No fever. Asked for water. I changed all her bedding and put her back in bed with a bucket(just in case) and a towel under her head. She FINALLY fell asleep at 230. I stayed up til 330 just to make sure she was ok. Then today, she's fine again. I don't know whats going on. My thoughts are maybe she's eating something next door at her friends house that's making her sick, but I asked and she says she only had water. But, you know how kids are... Today she has a doctors appointment and we'll find out what could be wrong.

So, since Lily was sick I missed a day of school. Now, my son is the opposite of Lily. He is sick ALL the time! He's allergic to milk protein so if he gets milk he gets pretty sick. He also was born with premature lung disorder. So in the fall and winter time if he gets a cold, he usually ends up with severe upper respiratory issues. The thing is he hasn't been sick this year. He had double ear infections last month but other than that, nothing. So to get to my point, I'm pretty use to missing school. For some reason though this whole Lily being sick thing threw me all off. I missed a midterm and didn't turn in am important project. So, yesterday I was able to take the midterm. I am a really really good tester. I just do really well on test for some reason. Oh man. yesterday was a different story. I couldn't focus. I kept thinking I was mixing up answers and a few of them I couldn't even answer even though I know now that I knew them! Apparently change of routine is bad for me.

Anyways. Hopefully after today things will be back in order. Lily can hopefully go back to school and so can I. Today is my day off and I am doing loads and loads of laundry. Oh man.

These are the kids

These are just some recent pics of my kids!

These are the things that make life worth living.

With out these 2 kids, I have no idea where or what I would be doing. Not that my life was any sort of "bad" path before I had them, but they have made improving my life worth while. Putting an effort forth to make everyday better is so much better than just living life day after day. Teaching my own kids is the most rewarding experience I have ever encountered.

I think I'll try this out.

I've decided to start a "real" blog. I have a few posted on my myspace page but that is mostly personal rantings that no one else will ever get to see. For some reason I think maybe people want to know what is happening in my life. So, I will try out this whole blog experience. I may or may not get personal. I may or may not rant. But, I will talk about my family and my life experiences. For now I'll start with what's has been happening lately.

I have two of the best smartest children anyone person could ever ask for. LilyAnn is 5 and in kindergarten this year, and Cain Xavier will be 1 on December 3rd. But anyone who would be reading my blog already knows about my kids :) Raising kids is never what you might call easy but it's really what I live for and what I try to put all my effort into. Believe it or not.

If you didn't already know, I am separated from my husband. It's not something I am willing to go in to detail about and most likely won't really mention again. All anyone needs to know is no we aren't together, and yes we still get along. In fact, we live in the same duplex. I feel that hating the father of my kids is not worth hurting them over. There is no hate. I want my kids to be as close to their dad as they can, and for us, this works.

I am almost finished with my first year at Lane Community College where I am in the Early Childhood Education program. Once I finish the 2 yrs of schooling, I will have my AAS degree and be able to work as a pre-school teacher which includes pre-school, pre-k, kindergarten and working in certified daycare/preschools. I decided to go back to school while I was still pregnant with Cain. I got tired of working crap dead end minimum wage jobs that I just tolerated to get by and pay bills. I need to be able to provide for my children and I don't want to hate myself for going to a job I hate while being away from them. Basically, I am TRYING to improve my life so that my kids life's don't suck.

My life is kind of busy most days. But also, other days it's not at all. I have homework, chores(blech) kids and family. I am perfectly happy with that. I don't mind not going out. Though yeah, sometimes going out to lunch alone or with a friend is nice. I don't party or drink much anymore. I don't see a need to do any of those things anymore. My life is mine and it works for me. I'm also relatively happy for the most part.