An old journal entry....

I don't know why I think about myself the way I do. Why do i self depreciate so much? What has caused me to have the self hate attitude that I have? Why cant i feel like I'm a good enough person? What is a good enough person? I feel like I'm constantly battling this self hate. I don't WANT to feel this way. Who would? In my life, I could place the blame on a few different people, but as I think of the reasons this blame is placed, I start to think,"well, if I was good enough, it wouldn't have happened." There is no one to blame but myself. If I could possibly make myself worth what i believe I should be worth, maybe I could feel decent. I have no self esteem. I miss my teenage days when I didn't care! I never thought I was fat, skinny, hot, ugly...I didn't care! I was me, and that's what mattered! I knew I wasn't special then, nothing spectacular, but i didn't care! I also didn't realize that maybe I was a little bit pretty, skinny, special... But i didn't CARE! I miss that! I try to act now like I don't care. Its a hard thing to accomplish and anyone who knows me, sees right through it. I'm tired of being the way I am emotionally and physically. I feel stuck. I feel like there is nothing I can do to change either thing. If i were to lose weight, it wouldn't matter. Inevitably, there would still be something wrong with me. I have come to the point that I have convinced myself that I am nothing. If i were skinny, I would still have the same face. So, whats the point? I would still have the marks of having children on my body. Ive convinced myself that nothing I do will change anything. The way I feel is permanent. I'm so tired of people saying things to try to make me feel better. "you're not fat!!"OK so if I'm not fat, then why is someone the same size as me considered fat?"you're not ugly" ok whatever. then why haven't i ever been told I'm pretty? in a sincere way? the only people i have heard "you're so hot" from are people who want to SLEEP with me. but that's another issue. I'm convinced anyone who ever wanted to, just thought i was easy. Though, because of the self esteem issue, I am definitely not easy. Anyone who doesn't understand, should live a day in my shoes. Then maybe you'll get it. I just don't want to be told things that aren't true! I want a change. I want a good change. I don't know. I guess I should just get use to the way i am.

Co-Parenting.

I am going to try not to make this a huge rant about having an ex, because I wouldn't want anyone to do that about me. My experience with co-parenting is a very good one compared to a lot of single moms I know. There are parents out the that don't get any help at all, there are some that don't have custody of their kids who should and then there are ones that don't ask for help and do it all on their own. My ex is a great dad. He loves his kids and would jump in front of a train to save their life is he had to, but when it comes to things that I ask for help with, it is difficult sometimes. I feel guilty when I ask him for anything including money help and for him to watch the kids. When we split up he had the thought in his head that because I chose to leave him, I also chose to be a single mom and he therefor had NO responsibility anymore. He told me this to my face. you can imagine the type of fight THAT caused. But lately, he is changing and realizing that he DOES have responsibility. BUT he still treats it like it's on his terms. I don't think this is right especially since he lives in the downstairs apartment...I don't know what to do to change things. We have talked a few times, but things get better for a bit then usually just go back to the way they were... I've decided to move away from him. Not very far but far enough that maybe he won't take for granted that his kids are right there.

The happenings now

I realize that the last written blog I wrote was a bit harsh. I was in a very critical mood and I was thinking about things that had happened both in the past and more recently. I know that it is important to live in the now and not dwell on the past but sometimes it is just SO hard! I thought I would throw that out there before I started this post.

So, things are going pretty well at the moment. I ended my first year in college last term, and entered the beginning of my second this spring. I am plugging along steadily though kind of slowly, but I will get through this last year (or year and a half) and get my degree. I want to start life new. Supporting myself.

I am still living in Springfield, but was offered to move in to my sisters house within the next year after she moves with her family to Washington. I was super excited about this because she lives in Eugene and I HATE living in Springfield. Hopefully it works out for me.

Cain finally got tubes put in his ears to help relieve the continuous ear infections and has since has NO infections AND got over his seasonal raspy sickies SUPER fast. He is also SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT! This is probably the best thing to happen in a very long time. I missed my sleep. (All 6 hours of it haha) Now, he is a very early riser, unlike his sister who would sleep all day if I let her, but that's ok. As long as we get 5-7 hours of uninterrupted sleep at night, it is MUCH easier to wake up at 6 or 7am.

Lily is at the end of her kindergarten year and is doing well. She seems to be doing great with writing but is needing some help with higher counting and reading a bit. I think that this is probably pretty normal, and she will do great in 1st grade. She ran in a Jog A Thon fund raiser for her school and raised $238! She ran 13 laps (around an 1/8 a mile track) in 30 minutes and didn't barely get winded! This summer I am planning on having her do a few weeks of day camp to meet some new friends and yes, keep her occupied. I have classes all summer so, she is likely to get bored.

So, that's the deal right now. If anything more exciting happens, I will post again! haha

Some recent pics of my kids.

My thoughts on Hypocrites.

I think that the most spectacular thing in the world (ok not the WHOLE world) is how it is completely natural it is for a human to be a complete hypocrite. I know that I am no exception to this rule. But I don't blatantly try to be the perfect example of the rule either. I know people who it seems, they go out of their way to be hypocritical. I think that if you're going to decide something is wrong, then you should think it is wrong for everyone, not everyone but yourself. If you think that it is wrong to cheat then it is wrong for EVERYONE not wrong for one person or a select few. If you decide it's totally cool and ok to lie, then it should be ok for EVERYONE. Not just you. In most of these situations, you can look at it as completely black and white with no gray or blurred edges. If it's wrong to cheat on someone (or cheat in anyway) then it is wrong. Plain and simple. That doesn't mean that it's totally ok for you to because of whatever lame reasons you come up with but it isn't ok for a friend or family member to because you decide suddenly you have some kind of moral code. Basically, if something is ok for you it should be ok for everyone, if it isn't ok for you, then it isn't ok for anyone else. (By your judging standards) You can't be like "OH well that was different circumstances" Or if you're going to be that way, then everyone else should be able to say the same. Yes, there are some situations that there are gray areas. But if you're going to allow gray areas for yourself. allow them for everyone else too. I just know that when I'm accused or condemned for doing something "wrong" and then realize that the same person that is doing the accusing has done the exact same thing but doesn't think they were wrong, it makes me angry (regardless if i did something or not. Because when I DO I take responsibility for my actions) I know that I have been a hypocrite in the past. But at least I can admit it and admit the things I have done, and take responsibility for them. I know plenty of people that accuse and judge that have done the same things they are judging that DON'T take responsibility and if they are confronted with it, they deny or make excuses. If you think I haven't taken responsibility for things I have done then screw you. It's not up to you to judge me or anyone else. I am my own judge and decide what I believe is right and wrong. Not you. Or anyone. If i decide something is right, then find out that maybe I was wrong about it, I can figure that out on my own, and be responsible about it. Because (this is gonna be corny) life is about learning from your mistakes and also your successes. Just remember the next time you accuse someone, or give someone "advice" that sometimes you should look at your own actions, and take your own advice.

I hope you read this.

Sometimes I remember the past and think, "wouldn't it be nice to know the REAL truth? Wouldn't it be nice to hear BOTH sides of every story?" Right now there is something in particular I have been thinking about. For personal reasons and to protect those who are/were involved I won't name names or be specific. I will say that it is something dealing with needing to know both sides of a story before I could judge. In the past, I made a decision to take one persons word of what happened over the others. The reasons were the usual that everyone uses. I think from that person's point of view they were the truth. One thing I regret is not getting the other persons side. I never once asked them what it was to their face. I made a judgment. Since then, I have been cut off along with anyone else having anything to do with the person who's side I chose from the other persons life. This is extraordinarily hurtful because I would have loved to be involved. It hurts my heart to know that things that happened were so terrible that everyone associated with the person who I chose to believe was cut completely off. I know there are reasons. I know the one who was "at fault" believes they are protecting them self. I know that they believe that this is the way it has to be. I understand that. I'm just wanting to know their side. I have not tried to ask them because I am afraid by contacting her (yes a her that's not really specific) she will not react well or answer at all. I think I am hoping she reads this. I know she knows I have a blog. But I don't know if she reads it. I am reaching out. Wanting contact. Wanting to know her side. I don't want to change anything except knowing her side. I don't expect her to open back up to the people who were cut off or for her to contact any of them or the family... She and I have known each other almost our whole life's. I remember so many good times. I know people got hurt. I just hope that enough time has passed that maybe she will contact me.
I understand she wants to protect her son and family. I am also glad that she found someone to have a good life with that will be there for her.

New Year!

Well, we survived Christmas. GOOOOO US!! There was minimal stress and the kids got spoiled when we thought that we weren't going to be able to afford to do gifts. I got to visit a ton with my brother which makes me happy :) New Year's Eve was uneventful. I did get to go to my friends Nicole and Justin's house with the kids and they played with Nic's daughter. Now school is in session again. Lily is back to her normal routine. Mine is changed. I am going 2 days a week full days, then a night class on one of those days PLUS one class on a 3rd day! Ugh! I'm attempting to get through it though. The first week is barely done and I'm already worn out. Next week I plan on taking my niece shopping for her xmas gift. That should be really fun! She's 12 so it will be an adventure for sure. Here are some christmas pics fromt his year.

Cain at Shana's house

Cain got a ride on toy from Beth and Steve(Chris' parents, gramma and Papa)

Lily got a handmade snuggie from chris!

Bow heads!