I hope you read this.

Sometimes I remember the past and think, "wouldn't it be nice to know the REAL truth? Wouldn't it be nice to hear BOTH sides of every story?" Right now there is something in particular I have been thinking about. For personal reasons and to protect those who are/were involved I won't name names or be specific. I will say that it is something dealing with needing to know both sides of a story before I could judge. In the past, I made a decision to take one persons word of what happened over the others. The reasons were the usual that everyone uses. I think from that person's point of view they were the truth. One thing I regret is not getting the other persons side. I never once asked them what it was to their face. I made a judgment. Since then, I have been cut off along with anyone else having anything to do with the person who's side I chose from the other persons life. This is extraordinarily hurtful because I would have loved to be involved. It hurts my heart to know that things that happened were so terrible that everyone associated with the person who I chose to believe was cut completely off. I know there are reasons. I know the one who was "at fault" believes they are protecting them self. I know that they believe that this is the way it has to be. I understand that. I'm just wanting to know their side. I have not tried to ask them because I am afraid by contacting her (yes a her that's not really specific) she will not react well or answer at all. I think I am hoping she reads this. I know she knows I have a blog. But I don't know if she reads it. I am reaching out. Wanting contact. Wanting to know her side. I don't want to change anything except knowing her side. I don't expect her to open back up to the people who were cut off or for her to contact any of them or the family... She and I have known each other almost our whole life's. I remember so many good times. I know people got hurt. I just hope that enough time has passed that maybe she will contact me.
I understand she wants to protect her son and family. I am also glad that she found someone to have a good life with that will be there for her.

New Year!

Well, we survived Christmas. GOOOOO US!! There was minimal stress and the kids got spoiled when we thought that we weren't going to be able to afford to do gifts. I got to visit a ton with my brother which makes me happy :) New Year's Eve was uneventful. I did get to go to my friends Nicole and Justin's house with the kids and they played with Nic's daughter. Now school is in session again. Lily is back to her normal routine. Mine is changed. I am going 2 days a week full days, then a night class on one of those days PLUS one class on a 3rd day! Ugh! I'm attempting to get through it though. The first week is barely done and I'm already worn out. Next week I plan on taking my niece shopping for her xmas gift. That should be really fun! She's 12 so it will be an adventure for sure. Here are some christmas pics fromt his year.

Cain at Shana's house

Cain got a ride on toy from Beth and Steve(Chris' parents, gramma and Papa)

Lily got a handmade snuggie from chris!

Bow heads!

The happenings lately

So, we had a birthday, found out about Lily's eye and now everything is relatively quiet. We did end up going to another ophthalmologist though. Who said the same thing the first one said but in more detail. Basically Lily wasn't born with enough optic nerve. So, the prognosis is the same. No cure, nothing to be done. Also, she will be fine with sports, driving etc. She has almost perfect vision in her right eye.

Both kids are sick right now. Usually I expect when the weather gets like this, Cain will get respiratory infections etc. Well, he and Lil both do and it's been a week so I'm taking them to the doctor. I expect to be told there is nothing that can be done blah blah blah... But at least I took them!

I just finished fall term and am now on winter break.I haven't gotten my final grades yet but I'm sure I did well. This year will be the 1st year I really have to figure out what to do about Christmas... Usually we would go to Chris' parents on Christmas day and my parents on Christmas eve. With a stop to Gram Calla's at some point in the middle. This year, my parents moved to Shady Cove and will be coming back up this week, and my brother Lee and his daughter will be her for a week and a half leaving right after Christmas. So, obviously I should take the kiddos to Shana's (who lives in my parents house now)to visit. Then Chris will have to figure out when to take the kids to his parents and also run to Gram Calla's to visit with her. I really look forward to anytime I get to spend with Lee though so I want to spend as much time with him as possible. Running around on the holidays is tiring and Chris and I had it figured out, then now... Well now it's just coordinating who gets the kids when and all that. Ugh... Maybe I'll stay home and eat pie.

Next term I have a full course load. I'm only going 2 days a week but it'll be intense. I'm glad that I have people in my life that support me and consistency of friends who have always been here. Without them, it would be so much harder. It's hard to grow up, but surprisingly, we all have. At least for the most part. It feels good to take care of the responsibilities I have taken on. I enjoy my children and the people who love me! I enjoy doing things for them. So, thanks to the wonderful people in my life! They know who they are! I am also glad I gave love a chance, I may not be totally there again(lord knows if I will ever be) but I am glad that I have what I do. I won't ever have what I did with Chris again but the feeling of being loved can't be compared to anything else and I'm hoping to let it happen eventually.

Ramble ramble ramble ok I am done :)

Cain's Birthday

We were blind

Can you imagine what a surprise and shock it is to find out your 5 yr old is almost completely blind in one eye? And has been for basically the past 3 yrs?? I couldn't either until we went to Lily's ophthalmologist last week.

Lily has what is called optic nerve hypoplasia and strabismus. We knew something was wrong with her optic nerve in her left eye when she was 2. What we didn't know was that it was what it is. I took her to the ophthalmologist last week and the nurse doing the pre exam did a few tests. When he was covering her right eye and asking her how many fingers he had up and she didn't answer... Then when he asked her to grab his finger while holding it just slightly in her peripheral vision and she couldn't... It was very obvious... Then the doctor did his exam. He shined a light directly in her right eye and held the magnifier up to it to look at the inside of her eye and she didn't like it. She said "It's too close! That's too bright!" He did the same to her left... She didn't budge. Didn't move or complain.

The thing is, unless you KNOW she can't see, which we didn't know, you CAN'T tell. We never noticed anything. Never realized she was turning her head slightly to the right while coloring or looking at books. We never thought that anything was wrong because she didn't act like she couldn't see. She has adapted to using her right eye. She draws wonderfully. Writes her name perfectly... Now that we know, as we watch her we notice her turning her head while concentrating on a drawing. That's the only sign.She doesn't act like anything is wrong because to her, nothing is. It's what she knows. She doesn't know that it should be any different.

She is getting glasses next week. I was told they're mostly for protection of her right eye. If she were to injure her right eye, while it was healing she wouldn't be able to see at all. Or if she had a serious injury to her right eye... You catch my drift... I should have asked more questions. I should have taken her in sooner. I feel guilty that I didn't know. I feel bad that I didn't get more information to share with Chris. It doesn't matter now though because there is no treatment or cure. Sometimes glasses help when kids get older, sometimes they don't. Right now I'm just thinking how it's going to affect her. Will she be able to play sports if she wants to? Will her learning be delayed? Will she even be allowed to drive? So far she is only struggling slightly learning her letters and numbers, but she does learn.

I guess all I can do now is educate myself and find out what she needs, if she needs help or anything in school. I'm posting a link for information on ONH. I can't explain the diagnosis the way this site did.I'll post more as I learn more.

http://www.blindbabies.org/factsheet_onh.htm

Distress and Relief (If I Could Breathe for Him)

This is a paper I had to write for Writing 115 during summer term. We were instructed to write about an event in our life. I can't remember the exact assignment but I chose to write about Cain's birth.I left out the moments before the birth. I only wrote about his birth and the week after. So, here it is.

In the moments after my son Cain was born I knew something wasn’t right. When they laid him on my chest and rubbed him clean he wasn’t acting like a normal baby would. There was no squealing. His skin was an abnormal purple. The nurse took him off me and did the standard evaluations they do when infants are born. He just lay there limp, still not squealing, still not the pink flush of a normal newborn. The nurse pulled his leg away from his body and he jerked it back right away. This reaction seemed to concern her. She started to rub him and to give him a bath. Then the nurse laid him back on my bare chest and told me that sometimes being with mom helps. “Helps what?” I was wondering. I knew at that point something really wasn’t right. He was working too hard to breathe.

When the Neonatal Intensive Care nurse came, he took one look at Cain and told me he was taking him to the NICU. He would be under observation, but wouldn’t be admitted until the doctor saw him. I was stuck in a room with nurses I didn’t know, in a situation I couldn’t control. My husband followed Cain to the NICU and was there when he was admitted. The diagnosis was a lung condition called premature lung disorder, which is a full term baby who has under developed lungs and cannot dispel the fluid from them.

When I was wheeled into Cain’s tiny but private room in the NICU, my husband sat there, face full of tears rocking what looked like a tiny emphysema patient. The tube forcing air into my son’s lungs through his nose was tiny; a smaller version of some older person’s oxygen tube. There was a board strapped to his arm to keep his arm straight so the IV would stay in. There were wires and tubes that seemed so complicated and adult. It was far too adult for such a new life, too serious for such a tiny baby. As my distraught husband sat there rocking this little android type person, he tried to explain to me what the nurses and doctors had told him through his sobs. I didn’t want to hear any of it. I just wanted my baby to breathe. I would have given anything for him to breathe. I would breathe for him if I could.

Every day we spent waiting for improvement, sleeping at night in hard hospital recliners shoved in the corner of that tiny room, meeting new nurses on new shifts till we knew each one by their first name. Everyday my husband told me he just wanted to take him home. Every day I told him we had to wait, and that only time would help Cain. By the third day finally, Cain was off the forced air and on normal nasal prongs that didn’t force him to breathe, but provided a higher level of oxygen than normal room air. By the fifth day he was off the prongs. We were ready to take him and leave. On that fifth day, they started the process of “graduating” Cain from the NICU. Running tests and making sure I knew how to install a car seat as well as evaluating his ability to breathe while sitting up. He passed these tests. With every new improvement it almost became harder to wait to take him home. We had to fight our urges to pack up his stuff and just walk out that security monitored door. Our hearts were ready to be done with aching. The ache became less on that sixth day when the doctor came in the room and told us there was no reason why he shouldn’t be able to go home the next day. It seemed in that moment, that all the terrible experiences faded away. All I could think about was taking him home even more than I had in the days before. That sixth day was the breaking point in my emotions, but in a good way. Things were truly o.k. The sadness was gone. The ache had subsided. All I felt was a terrific anxiety. Working through what I had been through with this tiny little being that looked at me with all the love in the world had made me realize how much I needed and wanted him. Going through this hard time made all my doubts I felt while pregnant of wanting this little “parasite” completely vanish. It was as if I had never had those doubts to begin with.

On the seventh day, after they took his “newborn” pictures in his Winnie the Pooh overalls and the red mark he had on his forehead from the gadgets he had strapped to his head, I signed the discharge papers I had been waiting to sign for what seemed a lifetime. I put his tiny little body in what seemed an oversized car seat, handed over my NICU parent pass card, and walked out the doors and didn’t look back.

It's always a night thing.

I don't really know how this blog thing is suppose to go. Do you blog everyday? Do you when something exciting happens? Well, I think I'll do it whenever I feel like it. lol

I get bored at night. The kids are either in bed, hanging out with Chris or winding down watching cartoons. So, I sit at my computer bored. I think I need a hobby. Or friends. One of the 2.

Today I went pseudo Christmas shopping. I had barely $40. Wal-mart seems to be the best place to go for gifts when you're broke like me. I got my nephew an RC car for $10! I also got a makeup brush set and a gift for the neighbor kids bday. I spent $28. I rock. I almost think I want to get a part time job. Or at least try. I have done a little but of applying and not gotten anything a few months ago. Maybe now I can get something. I can really only work certain days and certain hours though and that seems to not be what employers are looking for. I am really tired of being broke. I do get student financial aid money but that pays the rent and bills to live, with nothing left. I usually have about $600 to last me for 3 months that is just for things like gas, stuff for the kids, and spending money. I need to figure out how to make it last longer. I'm thankful I get the money to live on. I don't know where I'd be if I didn't.

I'm thinking next term, after all the holidays are over, I'll use part of my money to buy some sort of exercise equipment. I really want a Gazelle. You get on one of those for 15min and about fall over! You don't feel like you're working at all while you're on it though! I want to get back in some kind of shape but I have a lot of excuses right now not to. It's too cold and rainy to walk or jog. I don't have money for any fitness dvds or programs. Maybe if i get something that I can do in the house it will make things easier. I need to do something to make myself feel better both physically and emotionally. Not to mention, give me energy. That's a whole different rant though, and not one for tonight.